Why someone needs to play the “bad cop”

“Who says I can’t manage?” Does that sound familiar? Have you heard your mom or dad ask you this type of question? As they age at home, many seniors feel their dignity and independence are at stake if they need support. Often, there may be an underlying fear that hiring help now may be the first step towards being “put into a home.” Denial can be a significant challenge to overcome for all involved.

For example, a parent may rationalize that he doesn’t garden anymore by choice because he doesn’t feel like it, when in reality, gardening has become too physically demanding. A parent may say frozen meals are just as tasty as the food she used to cook, when in fact, meal preparation now requires too much energy, even though commercially prepared food may not provide the best dietary choices.

How do you get the conversation going? Do you want to back the senior into a corner so they have to admit they can’t cope anymore without help? Do you keep raising the issue until they finally give in? Do you bring them to the family doctor’s office, hoping the doctor will convince them they need home care?

My experiences have shown that it can be a successful strategy to invite an independent, unbiased third party into the home to discuss care with the senior. When an outsider is invited into the house, the senior often feels empowered and safe. They are more likely to draw upon logic rather than an emotional response to a family member.

Your challenge is finding what type of choices you can present to someone in denial. If you sense your parent isn’t going to listen to you, get a professional who understands the risks of doing nothing and won’t shy away from telling the truth. I’ve come to believe that you need someone who can play the “bad cop,” someone who will say it as it is and has nothing to lose. I often start this type of conversation with a simple phrase: “You will likely fire me for what I’m about to say, but it needs to be said.” So far, I’ve never been fired.